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About this blog

Not for everyone.

Entries in this blog

Minime93ireland

So, 7th grade year I finally made a few friends.

Outcasts like me that finally started to branch out a little.

Most were girls, that were bigger or had strange nuances to them,

That were all mentally destroyed by the preps.

I was one of 2 guys in our group,

I was never sure why he was in our group, as he was an athlete,

Maybe he just didn't like the way people acted,

But we all at least found someone to talk to you and not be so alone.

I got my first real girlfriend 7th grade year,

I thought my life was finally turning around.

But, as with everything else good in my life, it was too be good to be true.

I was just someone that she could take her anger out on and control,

3 years of my life I spent with her, as nothing but a target for her anger.

My 8th grade year though, is when things really started to go bad.

My parents were on the verge of divorce,

My father was/is a drunk, and my mother abused drugs.

Constantly I would sit in my room and listen to the screaming and beating,

Just praying for it to finally stop, that they would just move on.

But it wouldn't, the fighting continued, and the anger rose.

My father started beating me,

Telling me its my fault that him and my mother are falling apart.

Telling me that I was a disappointment,

That I was nothing but a waste of space,

A piece of shit,

Worthless,

Pointless,

Fat,

Disgusting,

Would never be proud of me,

Would never love me,

Hates me.

It ruined me, knowing that it was all my fault.

I ruined their lives, and the man, that I have spent my whole life trying to make happy,

Hates me, and always will.

No matter how hard I tried to make him happy,

He would always hate me and would never be proud of me.

But yet I have continued to feverishly try,

Of course, to no avail, just to make him proud of anything I do.

The knowledge of my dad hating me is what started the spiral,

It pushed me to a place where no light exists, and where none can enter.

I hated myself, and more so, I knew I did not deserve the gift of life.

I had no idea what to do with my life, I punished myself for the pain I caused everyone around me

I punished myself for all the issues that revolved around my issues.

I pleaded the strength to just end it.

Every night, I went to bed with the solution to my problems in my hand,

Hoping that I'd wake up, and have the courage to end it all.

I never did, I was too afraid.

Even though I hated myself, and wanted it to all be over,

I guess I hung on to some microscopic inkling that one day my dad would love me.

But he never did.

I spent all of 8th and 9th grade in that abyss,

I was hospitalized twice,

Sent through dozens of hours of therapy,

Medication after medication,

No one could understand that all I needed was his approval and love.

But, in 9th grade, I finally seemed to get over it,

I pulled myself out and kept moving on.

Then, the divorce finally happened.

My sister moved in with my mom,

And not wanting my dad to feel abandoned, and to ease the financial burden on my mother,

I stayed with my father.

For a little while, I actually started to feel like my dad and I were building a relationship.

We golfed together, went to airshows, actually spent time together,

He seemed genuinely happy.

He started dating again, and I was fine with it, because with all his relationships,

He still kept me close and cared about my opinion.

Then he met Ronda and her 2 kids.

All the progress,

In a blink of an eye,

Gone.

He fell for her, and life became all about her,

I was nothing once again.

Her kids were smart, and actually seem to have a future,

He realized once again how worthless I am.

Futureless,

Pathetic,

Just flat out, worthless.

He found his new family,

And he made it clear to me and my sister,

That he didn't need his old family,

More than that, he didn't want his old family.

Just like that, I was replaced.

Minime93ireland

So, 5th grade year comes around, for the first time in my life, I thought things might change.

I finally started making friends, and I met an incredible girl who loved being around me,

For the first time, I felt like I actually belonged somewhere.

Like I finally fit in.

Like I mattered.

But next thing I know, our car is packed full with our stuff,

Looking in the rear view mirror, I see my life fading from me,

Then we turned the corner,

I was lost...

3 long days later, we arrive at our new house,

Empty and foreign as it stood, packed with strangers all around.

We left my town of less than 1,000 people,

And arrived at one with over 800,000.

Surely luck would be in my favor,

Someone here would have to like me...

I had no idea how wrong I was.

I started at my new school the following week.

Fruit Cove Middle School, "The Flyers",

I had never in my life encountered 'preps',

But this school was packed full of them,

It was all about cliques,

And not one of them had a spot for me.

I was a nobody, just an outsider looking in.

Most people were thin and athletic, and they just thought they were everything,

In that school, they were.

There was no place for someone like me,

A short, weak, fat, no name kid.

The bullying immediately started back up,

I was some yankee, coming into southern territory, with all these 'rednecks'

(They aren't really rednecks, they just like to think they are by wearing camo)

But I was different, and it's not okay to be different in this area.

The mental bullying I was used to, and it continued 10-fold.

But I finally got over the physical abuse before I moved,

And it started back up again, I was powerless.

I couldn't stand up. I was knocked out 6 times my 5th grade year.

I would be walking down the hall, next thing I know I wake up in the nurse,

11 black eyes, and 2 cracked ribs.

Hatred wasn't even a term I could use to describe this god forsaken place,

I detested it.

I figured nothing in the world would be worse than my 5th grade year.

I mean how could it, I was lonely and broken.

I was nothing.

Just a toy for the 'populars' to beat the shit out of.

But, even through all of this, I somehow managed to keep my head above it and just keep moving.

Until I got to 8th grade, at that point.

The spiral began.

Minime93ireland

Very few people actually know me.

Sure, 99% of people who have been on the LD server know the name Minime, but very few people actually know Charles Ireland.

If I could go the rest of my life hiding behind a monitor and everyone that knows me in real life only refer to me as Minime, I would be more than happy.

But unfortunately, that's not the way life works, I have to be Charles Ireland, and that's exactly who I've been for 20 years 2 months 22 days and 24 minutes at this moment.

My life has been a ride to say the least.

I guess it's time to open up and let my life out there.

As with all stories, the only place to start is at the beginning.

I was born on February 24, 1993 in Concord, NH to Shawna & Phillip Ireland.

I was named after one of my dad's friends, and that name made my childhood life hell.

Me and my sister were pretty much left to fend for ourselves all our lives, my mom's depression led her to drug abuse and could never take care of us,

My father was away for work Monday-Friday; when he finally came home on weekends, he was either sleeping, drinking, or yelling.

I was terrified of my father, I could never even look him in the eye, but yet my entire life, I've been searching for his approval and acceptance.

The man that I'm terrified of, is the one that most of my decisions are based, I don't understand it, and I don't think I ever will.

The only thing about this that I am certain of, is that I'm wasting my time.

My dad has told me on multiple occasions that I am a disappointment to him and that he thought his son would be worth something.

He constantly yells, and is violent most of the time, I couldn't even try to count the amount of times we've been in minor physical altercations.

But, I'm getting a little ahead of myself.

I said just my name made my childhood hell, and I wasn't lying.

I was not a popular kid to say the least, I was physically and mentally beaten by my classmates every day from kindergarten up until 4th grade.

I never went by Charles, my nickname since I was little was Chuckie, so of course to tease me I was always called Chuckie Cheese, Chuckie finster, etc.

I was little, it always really upset me, made me cry and made me hate myself.

That was the majority of the bullying, but there was one person in particular, Bobby Sweet, who physically beat me every day,

I never knew why, and I never will, all I know is that everyday I had more bruises and scratches, more blood, more tears.

When I made it to 4th grade, I finally snapped at Bobby, I turned it around, and I beat the living hell out of him, and from that day forward, he never bothered me again.

Of course, the mental abuse still went on, cause I didn't have the ability to speak up for myself, I just had to sit there and deal with it.

In the summer before 3rd grade, my father informed us that we were going to be moving away from NH soon, of course just as a finally made a few friends.

We were originally supposed to move to China, needless to say I was terrified.

But then disaster struck, we lost our family's best friend Keith Sullivan.

On December 31, 2000, he was killed in a snowmobiling accident. He went to go under a bridge and had the throttle pinned and realized too late that the bridge was too low.

I can remember the night sitting in the living room when my mom got a call from my dad and she just burst into tears, and without even knowing what happened, things just felt so wrong inside that I burst into tears as well.

She didn't need to tell me what happened, he was such a huge part of our lives, I just knew.

He was the only reason I ever thought my dad loved me, the only time my dad did anything was with me is if Keith came up with the idea.

But he didn't love me, he only did it because Keith was bringing my son and didn't want me to feel left out.

But that was a folly, cause I've known all my life.

After Keith's death, the little relationship I had with my dad ended.

After his death, the move was cancelled, we were no longer moving to China.

In the summer before 5th grade, the move was back on, but this time we were going to Florida so we could at least stay a little closer to home,

But we had to move for my father's better opportunity down here.

So 5th grade year started, and for the first time I actually started making friends, and of course, just a few short weeks later, Florida here we come.

Well...that's my early life in a nutshell, and from this point on, the constant sadness from my father, took a dark turn towards deep depression...but that's for another time.

Minime93ireland

This will not be an every day thing, or even a common thing.

This blog is for me to rant and ramble so I can feel better about myself.

I apologize if you find this depressing or hateful, but I will post my feelings,

I don't care if you don't like them, its not for you, its for me.

If you dont like it, leave.

If I do post someting depressing, I dont want sympathy,

It will just make me feel worse.

I just can't bottle this up anymore and I need an outlet for it,

So I figured I might as well do it in a community where at least some people like me.

Bye