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The Spiral

So, 7th grade year I finally made a few friends.

Outcasts like me that finally started to branch out a little.

Most were girls, that were bigger or had strange nuances to them,

That were all mentally destroyed by the preps.

I was one of 2 guys in our group,

I was never sure why he was in our group, as he was an athlete,

Maybe he just didn't like the way people acted,

But we all at least found someone to talk to you and not be so alone.

I got my first real girlfriend 7th grade year,

I thought my life was finally turning around.

But, as with everything else good in my life, it was too be good to be true.

I was just someone that she could take her anger out on and control,

3 years of my life I spent with her, as nothing but a target for her anger.

My 8th grade year though, is when things really started to go bad.

My parents were on the verge of divorce,

My father was/is a drunk, and my mother abused drugs.

Constantly I would sit in my room and listen to the screaming and beating,

Just praying for it to finally stop, that they would just move on.

But it wouldn't, the fighting continued, and the anger rose.

My father started beating me,

Telling me its my fault that him and my mother are falling apart.

Telling me that I was a disappointment,

That I was nothing but a waste of space,

A piece of shit,

Worthless,

Pointless,

Fat,

Disgusting,

Would never be proud of me,

Would never love me,

Hates me.

It ruined me, knowing that it was all my fault.

I ruined their lives, and the man, that I have spent my whole life trying to make happy,

Hates me, and always will.

No matter how hard I tried to make him happy,

He would always hate me and would never be proud of me.

But yet I have continued to feverishly try,

Of course, to no avail, just to make him proud of anything I do.

The knowledge of my dad hating me is what started the spiral,

It pushed me to a place where no light exists, and where none can enter.

I hated myself, and more so, I knew I did not deserve the gift of life.

I had no idea what to do with my life, I punished myself for the pain I caused everyone around me

I punished myself for all the issues that revolved around my issues.

I pleaded the strength to just end it.

Every night, I went to bed with the solution to my problems in my hand,

Hoping that I'd wake up, and have the courage to end it all.

I never did, I was too afraid.

Even though I hated myself, and wanted it to all be over,

I guess I hung on to some microscopic inkling that one day my dad would love me.

But he never did.

I spent all of 8th and 9th grade in that abyss,

I was hospitalized twice,

Sent through dozens of hours of therapy,

Medication after medication,

No one could understand that all I needed was his approval and love.

But, in 9th grade, I finally seemed to get over it,

I pulled myself out and kept moving on.

Then, the divorce finally happened.

My sister moved in with my mom,

And not wanting my dad to feel abandoned, and to ease the financial burden on my mother,

I stayed with my father.

For a little while, I actually started to feel like my dad and I were building a relationship.

We golfed together, went to airshows, actually spent time together,

He seemed genuinely happy.

He started dating again, and I was fine with it, because with all his relationships,

He still kept me close and cared about my opinion.

Then he met Ronda and her 2 kids.

All the progress,

In a blink of an eye,

Gone.

He fell for her, and life became all about her,

I was nothing once again.

Her kids were smart, and actually seem to have a future,

He realized once again how worthless I am.

Futureless,

Pathetic,

Just flat out, worthless.

He found his new family,

And he made it clear to me and my sister,

That he didn't need his old family,

More than that, he didn't want his old family.

Just like that, I was replaced.




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