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So, 7th grade year I finally made a few friends.
Outcasts like me that finally started to branch out a little.
Most were girls, that were bigger or had strange nuances to them,
That were all mentally destroyed by the preps.
I was one of 2 guys in our group,
I was never sure why he was in our group, as he was an athlete,
Maybe he just didn't like the way people acted,
But we all at least found someone to talk to you and not be so alone.
I got my first real girlfriend 7th grade year,
I thought my life was finally turning around.
But, as with everything else good in my life, it was too be good to be true.
I was just someone that she could take her anger out on and control,
3 years of my life I spent with her, as nothing but a target for her anger.
My 8th grade year though, is when things really started to go bad.
My parents were on the verge of divorce,
My father was/is a drunk, and my mother abused drugs.
Constantly I would sit in my room and listen to the screaming and beating,
Just praying for it to finally stop, that they would just move on.
But it wouldn't, the fighting continued, and the anger rose.
My father started beating me,
Telling me its my fault that him and my mother are falling apart.
Telling me that I was a disappointment,
That I was nothing but a waste of space,
A piece of shit,
Would never be proud of me,
Would never love me,
It ruined me, knowing that it was all my fault.
I ruined their lives, and the man, that I have spent my whole life trying to make happy,
Hates me, and always will.
No matter how hard I tried to make him happy,
He would always hate me and would never be proud of me.
But yet I have continued to feverishly try,
Of course, to no avail, just to make him proud of anything I do.
The knowledge of my dad hating me is what started the spiral,
It pushed me to a place where no light exists, and where none can enter.
I hated myself, and more so, I knew I did not deserve the gift of life.
I had no idea what to do with my life, I punished myself for the pain I caused everyone around me
I punished myself for all the issues that revolved around my issues.
I pleaded the strength to just end it.
Every night, I went to bed with the solution to my problems in my hand,
Hoping that I'd wake up, and have the courage to end it all.
I never did, I was too afraid.
Even though I hated myself, and wanted it to all be over,
I guess I hung on to some microscopic inkling that one day my dad would love me.
But he never did.
I spent all of 8th and 9th grade in that abyss,
I was hospitalized twice,
Sent through dozens of hours of therapy,
Medication after medication,
No one could understand that all I needed was his approval and love.
But, in 9th grade, I finally seemed to get over it,
I pulled myself out and kept moving on.
Then, the divorce finally happened.
My sister moved in with my mom,
And not wanting my dad to feel abandoned, and to ease the financial burden on my mother,
I stayed with my father.
For a little while, I actually started to feel like my dad and I were building a relationship.
We golfed together, went to airshows, actually spent time together,
He seemed genuinely happy.
He started dating again, and I was fine with it, because with all his relationships,
He still kept me close and cared about my opinion.
Then he met Ronda and her 2 kids.
All the progress,
In a blink of an eye,
He fell for her, and life became all about her,
I was nothing once again.
Her kids were smart, and actually seem to have a future,
He realized once again how worthless I am.
Just flat out, worthless.
He found his new family,
And he made it clear to me and my sister,
That he didn't need his old family,
More than that, he didn't want his old family.
Just like that, I was replaced.
So, 5th grade year comes around, for the first time in my life, I thought things might change.
I finally started making friends, and I met an incredible girl who loved being around me,
For the first time, I felt like I actually belonged somewhere.
Like I finally fit in.
Like I mattered.
But next thing I know, our car is packed full with our stuff,
Looking in the rear view mirror, I see my life fading from me,
Then we turned the corner,
I was lost...
3 long days later, we arrive at our new house,
Empty and foreign as it stood, packed with strangers all around.
We left my town of less than 1,000 people,
And arrived at one with over 800,000.
Surely luck would be in my favor,
Someone here would have to like me...
I had no idea how wrong I was.
I started at my new school the following week.
Fruit Cove Middle School, "The Flyers",
I had never in my life encountered 'preps',
But this school was packed full of them,
It was all about cliques,
And not one of them had a spot for me.
I was a nobody, just an outsider looking in.
Most people were thin and athletic, and they just thought they were everything,
In that school, they were.
There was no place for someone like me,
A short, weak, fat, no name kid.
The bullying immediately started back up,
I was some yankee, coming into southern territory, with all these 'rednecks'
(They aren't really rednecks, they just like to think they are by wearing camo)
But I was different, and it's not okay to be different in this area.
The mental bullying I was used to, and it continued 10-fold.
But I finally got over the physical abuse before I moved,
And it started back up again, I was powerless.
I couldn't stand up. I was knocked out 6 times my 5th grade year.
I would be walking down the hall, next thing I know I wake up in the nurse,
11 black eyes, and 2 cracked ribs.
Hatred wasn't even a term I could use to describe this god forsaken place,
I detested it.
I figured nothing in the world would be worse than my 5th grade year.
I mean how could it, I was lonely and broken.
I was nothing.
Just a toy for the 'populars' to beat the shit out of.
But, even through all of this, I somehow managed to keep my head above it and just keep moving.
Until I got to 8th grade, at that point.
The spiral began.
My life in a nutshell
Life has a very interesting way of turning out. Sometimes it feels like there's absolutely nothing wrong, but at other times it's like the cold heart of the jerk your ex-girlfriend dates. But the ups and downs life offers are just guiding arrows. Life itself is the teacher. The only way to learn from life is to live it.
Now that I have your attention, allow me to tell you about the ups and downs of my life, and what I've learned from life through them.
I was disgnosed with Asperger's syndrome when I was 7 years old. For those of you who don't know what Asperger's syndrome is, in a nutshell, it's a psychological condition that can be good or bad. In my case, it's half of both.
Some might call my sense of humor "weird" or "different", but I call it unique. Then again, "unique" is more or less synonymous to "different". I have a sense of sarcasm which some people, including my own mother, don't understand.
While my unique sense of humor is the good thing about my Asperger, the bad thing is my shyness. And I hate it in myself. Because of my shyness, I don't have too many "real" friends, and therefore I don't have a girlfriend either. Then again, I'm not currently too keen on getting into a serious relationship. I'll just enjoy single life as long as I can. But back on the friend topic. I do have a few friends, but only one of them lives relatively close to me, and I usually meet with him on weekends. And my BFF lives about 250 miles away, but we chat almost daily.
I believe it goes without saying that I was bullied in elementary. Even if most of the bullying was (thankfully) verbal and not physical, it was still a living hell. I'm not sure if it was the bullying that made me somewhat of a bully myself, but I am sure that either way it wasn't fun at all. I'm not kidding when I say I hit a girl once. I don't know what I was thinking, now that I recall it years later.
As for the better things that have happened to me, I am glad that I made a friend that truly cares for me, just as I care for him. (I'm not going to mention his name, though.) He stood by me the few times I was down, but mostly I was the one who stood by him when he went through a series of unfortunate events. We have shared many great moments together, not a single one less great than the other.
And what I've learned over the years is that life has a very interesting way of turning out. The ups and downs life offers are just guiding arrows. Life itself is the teacher. The only way to learn from life is to live it.